


Life Needs Love to Live

by sleeplittlechild



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Hanahaki Disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 01:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20899211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeplittlechild/pseuds/sleeplittlechild
Summary: Out in the wastelands of Xhorhas, Nott suddenly comes across some very bright, vibrant flowers. Later, the Mighty Nein are shocked to discover just how she has them. And suddenly, they're in a rush against the clock.





	Life Needs Love to Live

**Author's Note:**

> So....this is something I've been working on since the famous "If I wasn't married" just about. It's been a long journey and honestly, never expected it to go on this long. But enjoy it nonetheless!!

Caduceus wasn’t short on teas, and different types. He was always willing to share with anyone and at any hour of the day, even with the limited options while traversing Xhorhas.

That being said, he wasn’t going to turn down making some new combinations with whatever they did come across. In fact, he encouraged trying “something weird.” Even if his companions didn’t always try with him.

(Beau had. That was a fun night. From his perspective, at least. Sprinkle the Weasel didn’t enjoy having his fur braided together with lichen. Sprinkle had been through so much.)

So when Nott, one early morning, came up to his teapot and shoved a fistful of buds to him, he didn’t say much more than “Thank you, Miss Nott.” and opened his big hand.

Nott, eyes downcast, dumped them into his hands and stomped away, wiping at her mouth.

Well...he hadn’t tried a blooming tea in a few months.

* * *

Nott always had flowers in her hair – small, wilted poseys and dandelions that she picked up off the side of the road as they traveled. The petals added color to her dark hair, and it seemed to make her happy to braid them in. Fjord liked them because, with those braids, it kept the hair out of her face. All the better for spotting traps.

It was hard to find replenishing flowers. Most of the small things they did find, Nott pushed off to Yasha or Caduceus rather than knotting them into her hair. So her own flowers wilted and crumpled with each passing day.

It was when she took watch with Fjord, the last one of the night, that he noticed her, sitting on a log around the fire.

There were blossoms in her claws. Fresh ones, although Fjord couldn’t tell what kind. But it definitely wasn’t anything she had picked up on their travels.

“Hey...” Fjord drawled out. “Where’d you get those?”

Nott didn’t jump, but she did twitch at his words. Fjord saw her glaring at him out of the corner of her eye – she was very good at doing that. Her claws curled around the flowers, just enough not to squish them. Almost...reverently.

“I...made them.” She mumbled and the next minute, they were stuffed in her pocket. Nott pulled out her crossbow and loaded a bolt. She turned her back on Fjord and faced outside the bubble.

Fjord shrugged and poked at the fire. Nott ignoring him for a four hours wasn’t anything new.

* * *

The flowers in Nott’s hair stayed fresh after that night, and grew in number. It seemed every morning, her hair was shorter and shorter and the braids more complex. In the daylight, Fjord could see a pattern of the blossoms.

They were pink and white flowers. White poppies that faded to yellow at the center that she wore to secure each braid. The pink ones drooped through the strands, giving sudden bursts of color through the green.

“You, uh...been taking gardening tips from Deucey?” Fjord asked while everyone was away getting ready for the night. Nott sat across from him in the dirt, plaiting another one of the poppies at the end of a nine-strand braid. Fjord’s impressed watching her – even all his time as a sailor didn’t give his fingers the dexterity for braids like that.

“What...what does that mean? I don’t understand.”

“Well...those flowers. I don’t think I’ve seen you without them since we came out here on this mission. And I know we haven’t passed by them. Caduceus would’ve mentioned something. You said you made them – he teach you a spell or something?”

Nott stopped plaiting, holding the strands as her arms fall ungracefully. She bit her lip, her gaze pointedly not looking at him, not even to glare for his very obvious line. And that’s surprising a little – Fjord’s never known Nott to cheat herself out of glaring at him.

“Caduceus didn’t teach me anything. It’s...it’s a spell I learned...before.”

“Before...like...as Veth?”

Nott nodded, sort of – she sharply moved her head forward and then barrel-rolled into talking. “Yes. It’s a halfling thing – you wouldn’t understand.” She finished the braid hastily, missing strands and leaving the bottom of it crude and choppy compared to the others. Nott stretched it and secured it to the back of her neck.

“A’ight. Didn’t know all that, but it’s interesting. And...they look nice on you.”

That did get Nott to look, spinning around and staring at him aghast. “What?”

“Yeah – they look nice. It’s...it’s like looking at a pond. Your hair’s the right shade of green for it.”

“Everything’s water with you, isn’t it?” Nott rolled her eyes. “Thank you for that wonderful comparison between me and the thing that killed me.”

“No. No, wait – just wait.” Fjord sighs and counts to five before continuing. He’s not sure what he did to upset her, but obviously a line was crossed. “I’m sorry. But it’s not all bad. Your hair looks like a pond, yes, but the flowers...they remind me of water lilies. Y’know – where frogs sit when they don’t wanna be wet. So they’re kind of like your...life-rafts, I guess.” Fjord started smiling, happy with his little metaphor. “They keep you afloat. You’ve seemed happier since you got them.”

“Lilies...” Nott looked away, not really at anything, and her hand reached up to touch the braid she’d just made.

A few days later, Fjord noticed a great pink water lily flower tucked behind Nott’s ear. He smiled at her, but she wouldn’t look at him all day.

And it might’ve been the new flower, but she seemed a little pale.

* * *

Eventually, the flowers and braids stagnated. Despite all of Jester’s compliments, Nott said she didn’t want a head filled with flowers.

She’d taken to waking up the earliest of all of them, always taking the last watch of the night. There wass always a whole bowl-full of lilies, poppies, and huckleberry (the pink droopy ones) for “whoever wants them” Nott says.

Fjord bit his tongue when he wants to say that Nott looked dead on her feet during their watches together. The bags under her eyes could carry all of Caleb’s emotional turmoil plus her own. Her ears droop down to her shoulders.

“Nott – are you sure you’re okay? I can take the watch alone – it’s not a bother. You look like you could use the sleep.”

“I’m awake, aren’t I?”

Fjord’s not too sure about that. Nott takes a swig of her flask, staring out into the desert.

Half the swig comes back up, spilling all over her outfit. Fjord’s less concerned with the lost liquor and more with the wet ragged coughing coming from the rogue. He crossed their little campsite. Kneeling beside her, he placed a hand on her back to try and soothe, best he could.

Nott bent over between her legs, coughing up what sounded like her own lung. In the dim light of the fire, Fjord sees something flying out of her mouth that he’s pretty sure is too dark to be just spittle.

Nott’s hands reach up towards her throat. Fjord grasped one in his. “Just hold on Nott. I’ll wake up Jester and she can help you.” Fjord pushes off his knee to stand.

Nott held onto him so he couldn’t get far. “no.” she rasped out, and the coughing grew worse. Fjord’s by her side instantly, rubbing her back. “No. I’m...I’m fine.” Another fit, this one sounding deeper and much more painful.

“Nott...” Fjord didn’t want to leave her. Maybe the noise would wake the group instead.

Nott, sure that Fjord wasn’t leaving, let go. She was actually reaching to her face, not her throat. Into her mouth. Fjord hoped she wasn’t trying to make herself throw up. He’d seen other sailors lose their lunch off the side of the boat, but his gullet still wasn’t fortified for the site...or the smell.

Nott did reach her claws inside. And when she pulled them out again, they were holding onto the petals of a golden yellow water lily, bigger than the two palms it rested in. Nott gasped for air, coughing just a little bit more as she finally, finally, caught her breath.

Fjord’s hand on her back stilled. His gaze was fixed on the flower that Nott had just….manifested from her own mouth. Rather painfully, it seemed.

Not unlike the lily she wore in her hair now.

“Is...is this the spell you were talking about? The...halfling spell?”

Nott closed her eyes. She heaved in a breath and actually seemed to be able to hold it for a moment before slowly letting it out. “Ask Jester. She’s probably heard about it.” With a careless tip of her hands, the flower fell out into the dirt, petals first. Nott stood and Fjord’s hand fell off of her. “I’m going back to bed. You can just...strap me to the back of Jannick when we move out. I probably won’t be awake.”

“But, Nott...are you alright?”

Nott scoffed at him. And for extra measure, flipped him off.

* * *

It turned out to be Beau who knew what it was.

Hanahaki – The blooming disease.

“It’s this like, really messed up thing where when someone falls in love with someone else, but they don’t like them back, then the first person starts like...growing flowers in their lungs or whatever.”

“That sounds so romantic.” Jester swooned. They’re discussing this around the now extinguished fire. True to her word, Nott hadn’t woken up with everyone else. Her head was cushion on Yasha’s lap, who petted her hair as best she could while avoiding the flowers.

“Yeah, up until the part where apparently, if the feelings aren’t returned, the flowers choke the person until they either suffocate or die of blood loss. Because nothing is quite so romantic like saying ‘you’d better love me or I’m gonna kill myself. Literally.” Beau glared, not at anybody in particular. At the situation, more like.

“So...you said that these symptoms were experienced by Nott herself? Last night?” Caleb asked.

Fjord held out the yellow lily he’d picked up last night. “This came out of her mouth while we were on watch. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? She’s been getting all these new flowers out of nowhere. She said she made them herself – she wasn’t lying then.” Fjord turned his gaze downward. He kicked at the ground, wishing he could kick himself for believe such a lie.

“So that means...she’s in love with someone, who doesn’t love her back?” Jester gasped, her hands flying to her mouth. “Do you think, that she thinks that Yeza doesn’t love her back? And that’s why she’s choking on flowers? Oh no!” Caleb waved his hands at Jester, looking quickly at Nott. Jester’s already wide eyes darted over to the sleeping goblin.

Nott shuffled in her sleep, and they all held their breaths when a little cough came out. But she rubbed her face into Yasha’s thigh and continued sleeping.

“But, if she thinks that he does not love her...does that mean that he actually doesn’t love her, or is it that just because she thinks he doesn’t love her that makes the flowers grow? Because...guys, that’s just so sad.”

Caduceus, fingering a poppy Nott had given him just the other day, cleared his throat. “I think, we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves here. There’s a very easy way to find a solution to this.”

“We have to go talk to Yeza.” Beau crossed her arms across her chest.

“We need to go back to Nicodranas.”

Caleb nodded. He cracked his back and pulled out the chalk for the transportation spells.

* * *

Nicodranas, and by extension Yeza, wasn’t the cure-all they had hoped it was.

From the moment they entered the Lavish Chateau, Yeza lit up like a Daylight spell. He pulled Nott and Luc out onto the balcony of the upper bedrooms – a brilliant view of the horizon with the ocean blocked by the city buildings. Luc, even though he saw this view everyday, pressed his face against the bars of the railing, munching on a pastry Jester had given him.

He didn’t see his parents looking at each other over his head. But the Mighty Nein did, and they all watched as Yeza lifted his hand and placed it on Nott’s face, through the disguise. Like he couldn’t even see the halfling visage she put on for Luc, but only Nott the Brave. Though they were invisible, he even reached out to finger her long ears with the softest expression on his face.

Yeza Brenatto was a man very deeply, deeply in love with his wife.

The morning after, Caduceus was woken first when Nott knocked on his door and shoved a fist of white poppies at him, bleary-eyed. For the first time, not hiding the blood drying at the corner of her mouth.

* * *

The Nein exchanged looks over breakfast, stuck between wanting to discuss everything and not wanting to expose Nott to Yeza or Marian. Not to mention little Luc who this morning was riveted by the beetles crawling over Caduceus’s staff.

“What, what are your plans while you are here in Nicodranas?” Marian asked, her hands intertwined with Jester’s.

“Oh, we should see if Orly is in port! Oh Not- Veth...Not-Veth, but Veth, we can show Luc and Yeza to the Ball Eater!”

Yeza lurched forward to avoid spitting out his tea. Edith wasn’t so dexterous. Luc sunk down in his seat with a big smile on his face.

“What’s the...the, Ball Eater?”

“Oh, it’s the ship we had while we were pirates.” Beau supplied.

Jester reached across the table to stare down Luc. “We can show you our big ship, that we kinda stole, but we didn’t mean to steal, we just needed to get away really quickly, and then we named it the Mistake, and then we named it the Ball Eater, and then we had to give it up – but! Before we gave it up, we gave it to this super awesome guy named Orly. He can navigate, and talk about stars, and he can make really great tattoos with crushed gemstones in it. And!” She leaned in very close and Luc had to kneel on the chair in order to meet her across the table. “He’s a giant turtle!”

Luc’s eyes brightened up.

The Mighty Nein split up after breakfast – Jester and Nott took Yeza and Luc out to the docks to find the Ball Eater.

Beau, Caleb, and Caduceus went on a shopping trip through the town, taking double-duty on replenishing components and brainstorming solutions to Nott’s Hanahaki.

Fjord took on the second part, from a more...experienced point of view.

“Unrequited love? That’s a conversation I haven’t had in quite some time. Though, I’ll admit, I thought I’d have this conversation with Jester before I had it with any of you.” Marian smiled at Fjord from across the stage. Fjord had approached Marian as she left her dressing room to prepare for the night’s performance. In exchange, Marian gave Bludo the day off and decided to get some free manual labor. Fjord blushed, even more when Marian gave him a wink.

“Yes, well...” Fjord coughed his way through. “A few things have changed...in the group. Have you...ever had an unrequited love?” Fjord folded the curtain ropes over his hands a few times. It seemed the easiest manifestation of how awkward this entire experience felt.

“I have had my share, yes. Most people do. Though, I would say my...profession does allow for a bit of...let’s say wariness on the subject. I have been quite taken with a few of my clients, but in the end – their company is what keeps me and Jester in such fine liveries.”

“And these feelings have never...driven you to destruction?”

Marian flourished her arms to the side. “I am still here, aren’t I?”

Fjord nodded. “For the betterment of us all.” He smiled, but his head was elsewhere. He was thinking of the golden lily he still carried in the bag of holding. “What do you do, when those feelings...start tearing you up inside?”

Marian sat on a small satin stool Fjord had pulled on stage for her while she rehearsed. Her face was drawn into contemplation. Fjord could see Jester in those features. “Well...I’ve realized that romantic love is not the world-ender that I once thought it was. That there is love to be found between family, between friends, that does not have enough songs written about it, more powerful than a broken heart.”

Fjord wasn’t thinking about a broken heart. He was thinking of another lily, growing in Nott’s tiny lungs so large, she couldn’t even choke it out.

Marian’s smile turned soft and sad. She walked up the stage and placed her hand on Fjord’s shoulder. “Be there for her. Support her. These feelings pass more easily when something even greater can replace it.” She pulled the curtain rope from his hands, which Fjord only now saw he’d been tying hitches in one after another.

* * *

The Brenatto family and Jester returned first to the Lavish Chateau. Luc proudly presented a clamshell necklace for “Ms. Marian.” Not to be out-done, Jester snuck up behind her mother and placed a beautiful tiara on her head, outdone with jewels and seashells truly befitting the Ruby of the Sea.

Marian, with soft tears in her eyes, pulled Jester close and squeezed her hard.

Fjord smiled at the scene, happy for Jester. Until the light caught a couple of huckleberry petals tied into the tiara. Fjord turned just in time to see Nott and Yeza walking up the stairs. Nott, with her hood up, was bent over like she was in pain. Yeza held her hand, his other hand on her back like he was helping her to the private rooms.

Jester’s smile soured when she approached Fjord. “We were doing fine till we got to the beach. She suddenly…Nott just keeled over and started choking. I tried to heal her, but it wouldn’t stop until the flowers came up. Edith kept Luc occupied, fortunately – I don’t think he saw anything.” Jester tried to smile. It wasn’t really a situation one could smile through.

Fjord put a hand on her shoulder. “You did what you could, Jester. I think…this is a little out of all of our depths.” Jester nodded. “Did Yeza seem to recognize what was happening?”

“He kind of just…stared. Not like he was surprised though. I mean – he  _ was  _ surprised, but not by like – the flowers coming up. I mean, not like we were that it  _ could _ happen. More like…he was surprised it was happening  _ now _ .”

“So he knows what’s going on – he knows about Hanahaki. Maybe…maybe he can help.”

“Did my Momma say anything?”

“Well…” Fjord blew out a puff of air. “I didn’t go into details, really. Seemed the sort of thing you want to keep private. I mean – Nott didn’t really tell us, in the first place.” Jester nodded along. “But, she said we should try and be there for her. Show her that she’s cared for and not alone. Maybe these feelings will lessen and she’ll be okay again.”

Jester quirked her mouth. She obviously didn’t like it. “But it’s love, Fjord. Does love really go away like that?”

Fjord didn’t know what to say. Love, real love, should be fickle and stubborn and never-ending. But, for Nott’s sake, he had to hope it would.

Marian performed that night, decked out in a beautiful dress of greens and blues and purples to match what Jester and Luc had given her. The Mighty Nein stayed up in the rafters to watch her.

Well, most of them.

Fjord made his way back to the bedrooms. Nott had been distant since the flowers started appearing, but tonight was the first time she had avoided them. Images of her hunched over in pain, unable to move (or to breathe – Fjord didn’t want to imagine it) pushed him to go looking for her.

Fortunately, Nott seemed fine, if not a bit tired, when Fjord heard her and Yeza talking in their room. He pressed himself against the wall next to the door, and listened.

“Poppies, huckleberry, lilies – well, we know these aren’t my flowers.”

“I remember those. My brothers started calling me Lion Head because of all the daisies I was braiding into my hair.” Fjord hazarded a quick look before ducking back to avoid being seen. Nott, without her Halfling disguise, sat on their bed, Yeza pacing back and forth past the doorway. In her hands she held a deep pink water lily with blood caked onto the outer petals. “I was so happy when I got them, even if I thought they would kill me.”

“I wouldn’t have let them. And I won’t let these either.” Fjord heard the bed rustling – Yeza sitting down beside Nott.

“These don’t mean I don’t love you. Yeza, I love you so much. You have to know that.”

“Shh, shh. I do. I do. Besides, I’d know if you didn’t. We’d both be balking up flowers.” Heavy silence settled for a long moment. “You’re not the woman I married all those years ago. You’re stronger now, braver. You go out and kill manticores and meet turtle-people and travel around with…interesting people. It only makes sense that this new you would love someone else, too.”

“This new me loves you.”

“I know.” Fjord heard a small laugh and eventually Nott’s little laugh too. “I know. This new you loves me, too. You love him, and you love me. I’m okay with that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He seems like a good guy, beneath it all. And this way, I know that you’re traveling with someone who cares about keeping you safe just as much as I do.”

“Yeza…” Neither spoke but Fjord heard the quiet noise of lips moving across each other. His stomach dropped – he was eavesdropping on a private moment. “He doesn’t love me, though.”

“He will. He won’t be able to resist your charms for long. You got me, didn’t you?”

Nott laughed a little. Fjord didn’t know if it was forced or if it was genuine. “Would you…hold me, tonight?”

“Of course.” The bed rustled a bit more – Fjord took that as his cue to leave. He needed to talk to the others.

* * *

“Nott’s in love with one of  _ us? _ ” Jester squeaked. Everyone shushed her and she clamped both her hands over her mouth. “Nott is throwing up flowers because of  _ us _ ?” She said again, quieter this time.

“Caleb or Caduceus, specifically – they kept referring to a ‘he.’” Fjord hunched over in his chair in Beau and Yasha’s room. “And we all know how much she hates me, so I’m out.” He rubbed at his eyes, feeling a headache forming behind his eyes.

“But…but this is good, right? Because Caleb – you love Nott, right? You’re always so nice to her and you take care of her and you sleep together when we’re traveling – ”

“But I don’t love her  _ like that _ , Jester.” Caleb cut her off, being as gentle as he could. He scratched at his old scars, shifting between looking at Jester and looking at the floor. “I care for her very deeply, but she is  _ mein freund – meine schwester. _ I…I don’t think there could be anything more.”

Jester bit her lip. Her tail lazily moved back and forth behind her in worry.

As one, the Mighty Nein turned to Caduceus.

The firbolg blew out a long breath. “Well…I mean, I would be very flattered, if it is me. But I have to agree with Mr. Caleb – I can’t begin to think of Ms. Nott in any sort of romantic sense. I mean…she’s married, for one thing.”

“They were talking about that, Nott and Yeza.” Fjord explained. “Yeza seemed like he was pretty…okay, with whatever Nott’s feeling, I don’t know, in  _ addition _ to their whole relationship.”

“Well duh.” Jester rolled her eyes. “Yeza’s a super cool guy and Nott didn’t hide anything from him. Of course he’d be cool with it. And besides you guys, Nott’s heart is like super big. Yeza said, back in Xhorhas, that Nott was always really sweet, even when she was Veth. He had to know this was a possibility. They’ve probably had The Talk before.”

The Mighty Nein exchanged looks.

“ ‘The Talk’, Jester?”

“The “I love you, but I also love them” talk.”

“Have…you had that talk?”

“Well…no…” Jester pouted, but moved right past it. “But my mom did! Kind of…I mean, once, when I was really little, my mom was seeing this like, really successful Captain and he was super nice to her, and then one day, this woman came in and she was really pissed that her husband was seeing my mom and she was ready to, like, slap my mom. But! My mom – because she’s really smart – sat her down and told her that her husband can love her and also want to hang out with my mom and that doesn’t mean he loves her any less, it just means he’s lonely. They hung around the Chateau for a long time after that.”

“What were their names?” Beau asked, being the only one able to process all of that quickly enough.

“Uhm…the lady’s name was Sara. I think the guy was like…Lenny, or something like that.”

“Back on topic,” Caleb interrupted, “knowing why Nott is coughing up flowers is not helping us figure out how to  _ help _ her. In fact, all we know now – ”

“Is that she’s likely going to die.” Fjord finished. The air in the room turned heavy.

“Well…well, no!” Jester, all wide-eyes and pouts, sat up on her knees. Her tail’s movements turned to sharp lashes side-to-side. “You don’t know – one of you could fall in love with her. And then it’s all fixed!”

“Jester…”

They all saw Jester’s lip quibble before she bit down on it. “I don’t want Nott to die.” Yasha, albeit slowly, opened up her arms and pulled Jester close.

“Ms. Beau,” Caduceus began, “when you learned about this illness, did you come across any way to neutralize it? Stave it off? Every poison’s has at least a counter-agent to, at least temporarily, cure it.”

Beau pinched the bridge of her nose and took a long breath. “I don’t remember. It was a long time ago. I only really remember it because of the flowers. I always thought it was a dumb disease. If I could find more information on it, maybe we could find something?”

“But where can we go that would have that information? I do not think we have the time to go to the Cobalt Reserve in Zadash and we are not allowed in the Conservatory just yet.” Beau whispered something about Waccoh and a swear to proceed it.

“Perhaps there is a library in town?” Caleb gave a full-body shiver at the suggestion. Beau cleared her throat. “ Jester do you think you can take us there tomorrow?”

* * *

There was a solution.

None of the Mighty Nein thought Nott would go for it.

“Take…out the flowers?”

When Beau showed it to the group, they all agreed that they couldn’t go on discussing it without including Nott. “If felt wrong” said Jester and they had to agree; the whole situation had a distinct “talking behind someone’s back” feel.

That being said, it was certainly an awkward conversation. To tell someone plainly that they loved her, but not in a way that could literally save her life.

“It’s apparently the only other solution. It makes sense, I mean. Have problem – get rid of it.”

“But it doesn’t work that easily, does it?” Nott raised an eyebrow. “I would have heard about it. Everyone in Felderwin grew up hearing stories about Hanahaki.”

Beau sighed. She looked to Caleb, their resident bad-news presenter.

Caleb didn’t resent the role. Somebody had to take it.

“The research suggests that in removing the flowers, we…or whoever we got to do this, would also remove the emotions that created them in the first place. You…you would not be able to love again, Nott. Not Yeza, not Luc, or any of us or…yeah.”

Jester had nothing to say, worrying her lip between her teeth as she sat next to Nott.

“Then…then we won’t do that.”

“Nott…” Caleb sighed. “Nott, please understand, if we don’t do this…”

“I’m going to die. I know. I understand, Caleb, I do. But, the thought of never being able to love Yeza…he was all that was keeping me going, before I met you, Caleb. Him and Luc. If I lose that…if I lose all of you…I don’t think I would survive very long.” Jester leaned over and hugged Nott close, so hard they could see her knuckles go pale. Nott didn’t seem to mind. (Nobody pointed out the sniffles coming from Nott’s shoulder.)

“What do you want to do?” Beau asked when Jester let go. “Do you want to stay here with Yeza? The books say people usually last two to three months but…you’ve seemed to be doing alright.” Beau tried to smile, but it soured very quickly.

Nott’s claws tapped on her flask, but she didn’t take a drink. The tapping itself seemed to be enough to calm her. “Yeza said, he understands this happening, because I’m different now. But maybe…if I was the same, if I could be turned back, then it’ll all be okay again. Like having chicken-pox – you’re really only supposed to get it once and then you never get it again. Maybe it’ll be exactly the same.”

Beau quirked her mouth side to side, looking at Caleb. “What would you need to be able to do something like this?”

Caleb pulled his hand through his hair. Frumpkin appeared around his neck and Caleb scratched his neck. “I would need to study – I need access to a library where I could read about higher levels of transmutation and study new spells. So far, the only libraries we know of are the Reserve in Zadash – ”

“Or Waccoh.” Beau leaned back against her bed, rubbing at her eyes. “Which means we need to do more jobs in order to even gain entry.”

“But, if we go back to Zadash, Nott might not -!” Jester shut her mouth, looking at her friend. “And…and besides, if we go back, the Dynasty might be really angry with us. Or the Empire might know what we were doing and arrest us as soon as we go back inside.”

“Nott.” Fjord interrupted. Nott sat up straighter. That heavy feeling in the room returned as everyone stared at the goblin. Fjord leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and hunched over in his chair. “We’ll do whatever you want us to do. What do you think?”

Nott bit her lip. Her tapping on the flask stopped so she could take a long drink. Jester only looked mildly upset.

“Let’s try the Conservatory. They’ve got that whole consecution thing-y.” Nott forced a smile (and nobody pointed out the lily petal stuck in her teeth.) “Best bet for figuring out how to get me a new body.”

They left the next morning. Jester hugged her mother close, with ‘I love you’s’ spilling out of her mouth without pause for breath.

Nott, in her Veth disguise, tied a poppy into Luc’s hair and he beamed at his mom like she was the sun. She held his face in her hands, mirages of pudgy little things. Fjord thought he could see tears even through the spell.

Yeza in turn took her face in his hands. He placed his lips against her forehead and held them there for a long time.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” And she pulled a poppy from her hair and stuck it behind his ear. “I love you so much.” As she pulled away, Nott summoned up all her courage and kissed him on the cheek.

Nott held onto his hand for the longest time as she stepped back into the transportation circle. 

“Anytime – you just say the word, and I’ll bring you back here.” Caleb whispered to her.

Nott nodded. “I know.” But she didn’t look away until the bright light of the spell blinded her.

* * *

Waccoh agreed that she would allow, after a lot of haggling and careful word-smithing by Caleb, an hour of supervised viewing of her transmutation books in exchange for the acquiring of some adamant, a rare metal she says they used to mine up in the Flotket Alps. Caduceus was excited because “my family’s out there” and the story he shared about his family history excited them all as well. It seemed an even trade all around. Essek even transports them across the distance (with some minor mishaps.)

It seemed the most peaceful mission Fjord’s known them to take thus far. With so little to worry about, his thoughts turned internal

Sort of.

He was thinking about Nott. A lot.

Since leaving Nicodranas, Fjord thought that she seemed to be worse-off than when they all first decided to go. Her skin looked a few shades greyer, not the vibrant green from when he’d first met her. Her hair wasn’t the green pond color he said it was. Although he wouldn’t tell her, Fjord thought it looked like a stagnant puddle, even with the (wilting) flowers still strung into it.

The flowers didn’t stop, either.

Fjord was thankful the water lilies hadn’t shown up in a while - the big flowers were the ones that hurt the most to extract, the ones that caused the heaviest fits that went on the longest. Nott had taken to just chucking them to a pre-chosen corner. She didn’t have to hide anymore, the bags under her tired eyes seemed to say.

They stayed in the caldera for a while. Caduceus, the gentle soul, had so many questions to ask. The Dusts were equally kind souls, blessed by the Allhammer. They sat together and talked about the Savilier Woods, about a sword Caduceus had brought with him (The Star Razor - boy that’s a cool name), about his family that’s passed through...months ago.

In the dark of the night, when Fjord made his way back from using the lavatory, he crossed paths with Caduceus who was coming back from tea.

The Dusts didn’t know anything about Hanahaki either, he’s afraid.

Fjord layed back down, drumming his fingers on his stomach. Staring up into the darkness, there was a thought that he didn’t want to give voice to going round and round inside his head.

There was so much that they didn’t know.

And because of that, Nott would die.

* * *

The Dusts’ volcano was  _ not _ the volcano that Waccoh was talking about, but they did point The Mighty Nein in the right direction. “Much obliged.” Caduceus responded, and he handed them each figurines he’d carved (from...something. Fjord was bewildered, but he wasn’t going to ask) of the Wildmother and the Allhammer standing together. Fjord was sure as he left, he saw one of the leaders holding one with a phallus carved into the back of it.

They decided to make the day and a half journey on foot, trudging through the snow (after acquiring a fur for Beau to wear.)

Fjord spent that time wishing the journey would go faster. He thought he might kill somebody before the end of it.

Nott’s fits were getting worse. They had to rest nearly every hour due to Nott leaning against a tree and hacking her lung out. At the end of it, a pile of poppies and huckleberry petals covered her feet and blood filled her mouth.

Fjord looked at Caduceus and Caleb with increasing venom every time.

How could they not love her? Seeing all the pain she was going through, the strength she was summoning from deep inside her to keep going, the smile she put on when she joined Jester by the fire that was only partially fake, how could they not fall in love with her? Fjord wondered if this was how she felt watching him and Jester. There were times he wanted to shake Caleb’s sour expression off his face and scream at him “She loves you! She loves you and it’s killing her. How can you just stand by and let it happen. Don’t you love her?” and there were times when all that was holding him back was how much he wanted to do it to everyone else - even Jester, Beau, and Yasha.

How could they  _ not _ love Nott?

If somebody could love her, would love her, she’d be saved, he was sure. If one of them would just fall in love with her, she wouldn’t be in anymore pain. She could scheme and thieve and drink to her heart’s content and be there for her family in Nicodranas and this weird little amalgamation they had made The Mighty Nein into being.

If only…

Fjord was the first to wake for the next leg of their journey. He walked into the woods to relieve himself, taking a deep breath of chilled frosted air.

Breathing in, something caught in his chest. Fjord hunched in on himself, coughing to try and loosen it up. It didn’t work - in fact, that seemed to make it worse. Whatever it was felt like it was grabbing onto his lungs, stubbornly refusing to let go. This wasn’t like when he woke from a nightmare throwing up saltwater; this felt solid, and much deeper than Uk’otoa’s influence ever reached before.

Fjord keeled over, first to his knees then to planting his hands in the snow and retching like a dog. The last thing Fjord saw were small red flecks in the white snow before his vision swam and darkened.

He was so very sure he was going to die like this, when the solid whatever it was finally broke from his mouth.

Fjord sucked the cold air down greedily. His throat burned and he coughed a little more afterwards - he worried he wasn’t done and he really  _ would _ die out in the wilds. But everything seemed to calm now, his body was just getting back to equilibrium. Gods, his throat burned. Was Caduceus experimenting with poison ivy in his teas? Fjord sat on his rear, just breathing.

And then he saw it.

Sticky with mucus and a little blood, and actually smelling a little of sea water, was a sprig of bright green nettle.

In the morning sun, on the glistening snow, it was the same green as Nott the Brave.

_ If somebody loved Nott… _

He, loved Nott.

And she wouldn’t, couldn’t, didn’t love him back.

* * *

They made it to the mining volcano by mid-afternoon. Fjord didn’t feel the need the choking sensation of flowers filling his lungs throughout the journey and he was grateful for it. He tried thinking back to when Nott first had the flowers; she probably was just like him, waking up early and excusing herself to expel the flowers in private. It had taken a long time before they had noticed (something that Fjord regretted and was thankful for) so he had some time before he’d need to start thinking about his own solution.

Caleb suspected that when Nott was unconscious, fully unconscious, that the flowers didn’t bother her as much. He pulled a pinch of sand and sprinkled it over her. Nott, curled up like a cat, groaned and rolled over. She didn’t wake up though. Yasha scooped her up and placed her against her shoulder - they looked like mother and daughter, a little bit. Fjord’s heart swelled at the image. He almost felt like something inside of him pushed back.

The Adamant Mines for the Dynasty (a mouthful, Beau declared) were closed, boarded-up haphazardly. Yasha handed Nott to Fjord very gently (wrapped up in her fur) and unsheathed the Magician’s Judge. She carved through the boards seemingly without effort. The way was opened before them.

Yasha turned back to Fjord, arms open to take the sleeping Nott back. Fjord unconsciously turned his body away. “No - it’s fine. I got her. Rest your shoulders for a little bit.” Yasha stared back at him, looking like she would raise an eyebrow if it wasn’t so very out of character for her. Beau was already carefully making her way into the mine so Yasha didn’t say anything after all. She held her arm out, allowing Fjord to go in front of her.

Fjord held Nott tight against his shoulder. He had one hand on her back; he could feel it expand and contract with unheeded breaths. He still had Nott with him. If they were successful, they would for a very, very long time.

He felt that pressure in his chest again. Nothing seemed to come up, but Fjord was aware of what had been there that morning.

The mine wasn’t a steep decline. Moving along wasn’t very hard but they kept in a tight cluster nonetheless. Caleb summoned Dancing Lights and lined them up beside the group. They passed points that had obviously been busy spots. Footprints and scuff marks littered the dirt - there was even a few pick-axes left about. Caduceus knelt on the ground and pressed his face down close. While everyone wanted to ask what he was doing, nobody did.

Caleb stepped up beside Fjord at this time and tapped him on his unoccupied shoulder.

“We are going to need our rogue. She’s slept long enough - maybe it’ll be an, uh, an easy day.”

“Oh.” Fjord blinked a few times. Caleb couldn’t see much in the dim light of the Dancing Lights - for that Fjord was glad. He couldn’t see Fjord’s cheeks going darker as he carefully handed Nott over. Caleb in turn set Nott on her feet, holding her up as muttered some arcane words. Fjord watched, entranced.

In the dim light, two bright cat eyes slowly opened. Twin moons, shining out of a hidden lake.

“ _ Hallo, schatz. _ ”

Nott yawned wide, showing off all her crooked jagged teeth, and scratched behind one of her ears. “M’rnin’. We leaving yet?”

“We’ve already left.” Nott blinked a few times, slowly piecing together the dark tunnels and stilted air. “We’re inside the mines now. We could use your help in scouting - are you up for it?”

Nott’s brow knotted together. “How did I…”

Caleb bit his lip. “I...spelled you, so you could sleep. Yasha and Fjord carried you here.” Nott swiveled her head and looked up at Fjord. Fjord wasn’t really sure what to do, so he just waved.

Nott glowered at him. Nothing new, which actually gave Fjord some hope. Maybe today  _ would _ be a good day.

“Do you want me to check for traps?”

“We should be good on traps, but if you could, uh, scout ahead, and tell us what you find…”

Nott nodded. Caduceus had finished his...Caduceus-ing and everyone had been watching this little exchange in some capacity. Jester shuffled forward and pulled Nott into a big hug and gave her an over-enthusiastic “Good Morning.” that released some of the tension in her blue face.

Nott scurried ahead and vanished into the darkness. Fjord watched Caleb hem and haw in the darkness for a minute. Frumpkin appeared on his shoulder suddenly. (Fjord sneezed).

“Go follow after her.” He commanded. The familiar obeyed and vanished into the darkness, too. “Forward march.” He said to the rest. Beau pulled out her staff and used it as a walking stick, her other hand holding onto Caleb’s shoulder. This time, in hopes to lessen the anxiety written on his face rather than to guide him through the darkness.

The Dancing Lights bobbed beside the Nein quietly making their way down the tunnel. Fjord stood at the front with Caduceus, a dancing light orb bobbing between them. Fjord hands flexed and twitched and eventually, he summoned the falchion to have something for them to curl around.

An empty mine was sometimes just an empty mine. Maybe the ore ran dry and everyone walked away. They didn’t have anything to be worried about, yet. The jittery feeling run up and down his spine wasn’t necessary.

“Nott says the way ahead is clear. We should catch up - she’s going to continue ahead. She said she thinks she sees a little bit of machinery.” Caleb whispered to the group. It echoed through the tunnel.

_ Maybe it’ll be an, uh, an easy day. _ Caleb’s voice bounced around inside his head. Without watching Nott in front of him, Fjord could only hope as well. They walked further into the mine. They stop here and there when Beau found more leave-behinds of the miners or Caduceus noticed something interesting in the dirt. Fjord continued inching forward - staying just within line of sight of the Dancing Lights, but drawing closer to keeping at least an ear on Nott.

He was the first to hear the thunderous roar coming up the tunnel.

“What was that?” Beau asked. They’ve all gone unusually still. Caleb wrapped the copper wire around his fingers. “Nott, what’s going on up there - do you need us to aid you?”

Fjord’s hands curled so tight around the hilt of the falchion, he could feel his claws sinking into the meat of his hand.

Caleb’s eyes widened. “Go. Go, go!” Even if he couldn’t see, Caleb went sprinting forth, past Fjord. Fjord didn’t let him lead for long. Down into the darkness, the Dancing Lights were barely able to keep up. Fjord had to rely on his darkvision and the glow of the falchion to keep them from running into any obstacles.

The roar echoed, closer this time. The Mighty Nein had to grab the wall to keep their balance when a large something crashed down ahead.

“Nott!” Jester cried. Caduceus casted light ahead of them just as they passed into an empty cavern.

Or, they thought it would be empty. They saw it all at once.

A smattering of mining equipment, discarded and forgotten. And a yeti hurling stones from across the way.

Fjord darted off to the left and Beau took the right. Fjord hurled two blasts of eldritch energy towards the beast, keeping it’s attention locked on him as Beau ran along the walls to get behind it. The yeti reached down to grab a boulder just as Beau leapt up and cracked her staff down onto its shoulders. It roared in pain - they both reached behind them to steady themselves. The yeti chucked the boulder at Beau, who quickly scurried away. Just in time for Yasha to get under and swing her sword up his chest.

“Where’s Nott?!” Fjord yelled.

“I don’t know!” Jester called back. Fjord winced at the fear in her voice. “Keep him distracted - we’ll find her!”

They all saw from the mouth of the cave, two streams of magic rushing towards the yeti - brown and black.  _ Slow and Bane _ . Ok, good. The yeti and Mighty Nein were on equal footing now. They just needed to find Nott.

So Fjord, Yasha, and Beau played a game of do-si-do around the yeti, shifting his attention to one member and then attacking while he’s distracted. In a few minutes, there was a dead yeti filling up the mass of the room.

Without the yeti roaring and adrenaline pumping through their ears, the wet, pain-ridden sound of gasping was pin-droppingly clear.

Caduceus and Jester found Nott hidden behind a stalagmite, curled up in a ball. Her teeth, her mouth, her hands were all splattered with blood. On the ground were three water lily blossoms, freshly gutted. And Nott was still going. Fjord dug his claws into his hands, biting down on his lip. Caleb fell to his knees, gathering Nott up close to his chest. He rocked her and they all tried to ignore the tears in his eyes as she convulsed against him.

They’d been here before. There was nothing they could do but wait it out. And that was the worst of it - there was nothing they could do to help her. No spell to be spun, no potion to be made. Just...wait.

* * *

The hour of supervised reading turned out quite useful. Sort of. Beau, Caleb, and Jester jumped over each other and up and down shelves to pour over every book they could. Professor Waccoh looked slightly irritated, but they couldn’t pay her any mind. One hour wasn’t a lot of time, so they needed to be diligent.

The process of being consecuted was a close-held secret, only passed down by those who had been consecuted before. Most of what they had found repeated what The Bright Queen had told them. Beau actually felt pretty good about that. “Means that most folk don’t actually  _ know _ what’s going on. Not just the Empire.” Caleb shrugged at that. It was certainly interesting information - just not pertinent to what they needed.

There were some stories, vague and “unhelpful” (Caleb’s word), about mages who could change one  _ living  _ creature into something else, permanently. Mages who had lived for hundreds and hundreds of years and intensely studied the creatures of the world. Stories, of course, didn’t offer much in the way of a process for how to actually cast such magic.

There were also stories, of people, of castors of all different paths, with such power that they imparted their will upon reality. The three crowded over that book, reading slowly to make sure they didn’t miss anything. Few and far between, but people with so much power that whatever they wished, came true. There was even a small story of nineteen years ago, a singing castor brought back a man from the dead for his companion’s wedding, before he lost the power forever.

Just as Caleb turned the page, the book was snatched away and snapped shut so quickly, the sound echoed. Beau started a sharp “Hey!” before Jester elbowed her quiet.

Their hour was up. And they were nowhere close to having an answer for Nott

* * *

At dinner that night, Jester unfurled the notes she had taken onto the table where everyone could see.

_Consecution - dedicate life to Luxon?_ _Get re-born? How long does that take? (Essek is suuuuper old and he hasn’t been consecuted…) [Jester, he also hasn’t died yet.] {Also, if she dies and comes back...doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of this}_

_ Changing her back - How long will it take Caleb to learn this??? Can Nott wait that long :( _

_ Wish -  _ _ can Caleb learn this? Will it hurt him? Will it hurt her? _ _ Suuuuuper risky…. and we don’t know a lot about it…. _

_ Removing the flowers -  _ _ :( _

Caleb looked at the notes and his head hit the table. He brought his arms up to cover him and the Mighty Nein could hear him breathing deeply. Nobody said anything. Beau put her hand on his back and rubbed her thumb up and down. Jester bit her lip, looking at everyone with big, questioning eyes. Asking something nobody had an answer to.

There was no clear answer for this. Nobody wanted to think it, but they were running out of time.

* * *

Fjord watched his friends from the kitchen doorway. His chest shifted uncomfortably, nettle thorns poking and prodding him inside. He had been getting good at hiding his leaves, going to the bathroom early in the morning (what counted for morning in Xhorhas). Fjord, watching the Mighty Nein research and converse, was convinced when Nott...when  _ whatever _ happened to Nott, he would leave. Quietly, secretly. Maybe go back to Nicodranas and take back the Ball-eater. Live on the seas for the remainder of his time. No need to make them go through this pain twice.

No need to watch two friends die.

Right now, he had a bowl of broth and he was taking it upstairs to Nott.

Halfway up the stairs, he could hear Nott hacking down the hall. As had, unfortunately, become commonplace. Nott didn’t have much energy to get out of bed, and what energy she did gather after an attack was snatched away by the next one. They’d been back in Xhorhas two days and Nott hadn’t moved from her bed.

Fjord gently opened the door. Nott was bent over the side, shaking. She coughed, gagging on something and inhaling too dryly to be comfortable (if any of this was comfortable) before repeating the process again. Yasha sat beside her, Nott’s hair gathered in one big hand. She looked up as Fjord entered. No words passed between them. They both tried so hard not to wince when Nott heaved, hard, and a crumple of poppies fell out of her mouth.

Fjord placed the broth down and sat on the other side of Nott. Nott breathed so hard, it looked like she was drinking in air. Her whole body moved with the breaths, arching and caving back in. Only after she could breathe twice in a row without issue did she collapse on her side.

Yasha poured out a cup of water and handed it to Fjord. Fjord placed his hand gently on Nott’s shoulder, shaking it just a little to get her attention. “I know it doesn’t help much, but you need to drink.” He offered the cup.

Nott pushed it away. Fjord could barely see her eyes looking at him; they were nearly closed. “Nott…”

“I’m fine.” She wheezed out. A few, thankfully dry and short, coughs tumbled out afterwards.

Yasha let go of her hair. She smoothed it out over the blankets. Fjord watched her hands shimmer in the firelight. Nott’s coughing lessened; eventually, they noticed she had fallen asleep. 

“That’s the second time the flowers have come up in the last hour.”

“The second?” Two days ago, the Mighty Nein had been worried when Nott seemed to be having attacks every hour.

Together, they looked at the pile between them.

Fjord turned to Yasha. Yasha kept staring.

He remembered, not too long ago, when flowers would make her light up. When she would pick them up and stare at them for what seemed like forever. They were all getting pretty sick of flowers.

* * *

Beau was the one to suggest going to Yussah. “He’s a super old wizard. He probably knows stuff about stuff. And he’s been real nice to us, when we tell him that we’re coming by.”

Nott’s attacks were getting worse - sporadic and unpredictable and by no means less viscous. Going on a whole part trip was not much of an option. They’d all gotten into the habit of having a least one person by her side, anyway.

Jester offered to stay behind, which made sense. If anything - Gods forbid,  _ anything _ \- happen, Jester would be the only one to contact them all. In her place, Caduceus joined the research team. “I’m not one for books very often, but, to be fair, there are many books I have not given a chance.” He smiled across the table. They were surprised the smile didn’t reach his eyes, like it usually did. No, actually, they were surprised that they  _ weren’t  _ surprised at seeing it. There hadn’t been much need for smiling.

Yasha stayed behind, too. She had dug a small spot for herself in Nott’s bed, holding the little goblin against her giant form to offer any and all comfort while Nott slept.

Fjord swallowed over the nettle pushing at the back of his throat. (Or maybe it was tears...At this point, with tensions so high, he couldn’t really tell at this point.) “I’ll stay, too. Make it an even split.” Everyone looking at him, he shrugged and cleared his throat. (Pushed away the flowers creeping closer.) “I wouldn’t be much help, either. Never been very smart, definitely not good at finding stuff.”

Jester bit her lip, over and over. She looked down at the table, her fingers working at a knot in the table. “Nott would be.” She whispered.

Nott, their very best detective. Fjord exhaled hard and excused himself very quickly up to the garden.

Hidden by the tree, Fjord pulled a bright blue blossom from the back of his mouth. The next day, when Caduceus, Beau, and Caleb had already left for Nicodranas, he found its name in one of Caleb’s books. Forget Me Not.

* * *

Jester brought dinner to Nott’s room - three bowls of porridge and broth for Nott. (The broth remained throughout the night) She told them that Beau said they would be staying in Nicodranas for a little while, at least another day.

That night, Rosohna welcomed a thunderstorm.

Fjord volunteered to take Yasha’s place, seeing her gaze out the open window a few times with a conflicted look on her face. Yasha squeezed his shoulder on the way out.

Really, Fjord had just grabbed the opportunity to hold Nott close to him.

There was no way she would let him do this if she were awake. She’d probably climb up to his face and scratch his face off  if she had the energy . They were cats and dogs, snapping at each other over an invisible line.

_ Team Green _ .

_ Team Drowning _ .

What Fjord wouldn’t give to have one of those fights now. He had to content himself with stroking her hair.

In the candle light, the blood splatters were hidden. Nott breathed slow and deep. She actually seemed - peaceful. In her big bed, curled up beside him under thick blue blankets. A mermaid in the ocean moored on a rock, her hair was tossed all around her, like some Divergence painting.

Fjord could almost...He could... _ he wanted to... _

When was the last time she braided her hair?

Fjord didn’t have a comb, and he wasn’t the most experienced with braiding, but Nott’s hair, even matted and tangled, still felt smooth like he always (always - that made Fjord laughed. A little more than a week ago, he suddenly realized he loved Nott. Now there was a list in his head of things he’d wanted to show her, ask her, _tell her._) thought it would be. Fjord turned the strands over each other like he saw Jester and Yasha do in the morning.

“What’re you singin’?”

Fjord stopped mid-twist, suddenly present. Nott, through half-lidded eyes, was looking up at him. She didn’t seem upset to be woken up and finding Fjord in her bed, so that was a win.

“Pardon?”

Nott yawned wide, arching her back like a cat. “You’re singing. What is it?”

Fjord blinked for a few moments. He had been thinking about the silly songs Jester sang when she did her hair, sometimes things she made up, other times song she’d heard over the years. Which got him thinking about the songs they used to sing on the Tide’s Breath. “I didn’t even realize. I guess...it was probably some sea shanty. Old habits...and all that.” Fjord dropped Nott’s hair, suddenly feeling very foolish.

Nott sat up, slowly. “Where’s Yasha?” Small braids tumbled over her shoulder. She fingered one between two claws. “Did you...braid my hair? While I was sleeping?”

Fjord coughed. He chose to look at a corner of the room. “Yeah, well...Yasha’s out.” On cue, a loud rumble of thunder shook the house. “Obviously. Jester’s knocked out, so I came by. Your hair was all tangled up, so I thought...it seemed the easiest way to tidy it back up.”

“And you decided to do a million of them, rather than just one?”

Fjord ground his fist into his palm, sighing. “Well, I wasn’t exactly going to wake you up, now was I?” On a whim, he passed a hand through the braids. “You taking up all the catnaps, and all that.”

Nott blinked back at him. Big-eyed and slow, like Frumpkin when he was watching you from the corner of the room.

“Look, Nott, I’m sorry. I won’t - ”

Fjord was cut off by a sudden cough, quickly turning into Nott hunched over and gagging. Fjord pulled her hair away from her face with one hand, the other rubbing up and down her back. The convulsions traveled up his arm, he could feel them in his heart. Nott clenched the sheets so tightly small stresses in the blanket turned into long tears. Out from her mouth tumbled petals - pink, white, yellow, and purple.

Minutes, an hour, Fjord didn’t know how long Nott suffered through that agonizing pain. He only knew that every moment she did, the nettle, the blue flowers,  _ his own heart _ crept up in his throat and he almost wanted to join her.  _ You’re not alone. I feel your pain.  _ _ I’m here with you _ .

Nott collapsed against his side. Blood dribbled down her chin. Nott wiped it off with a heavy hand - she only managed to smear it to the side. Fjord wrapped an arm around her. Just felt her drag in every breath she had left.

“Gods...Nott.” He whispered. “Who is it? Tell us.”  _ Tell me _ . “Whoever it is, we’ll take care of it. Feed them a love potion - you know Jester would do it. Yeza would make it. Beau would hold them down. Make them so madly in love with you, you’ll be sick of them always hanging around.”  _ Just tell us. Please don’t make us watch you in pain. _

Nott chuckled - a wet sound but so rare in recent days that Fjord wanted to cry. With her bloodied hand, she patted his thigh. “I...liked you…”

_ What? _

“When you were...singing.”

Fjord blubbered past letting go of the breath he was holding. Nott didn’t seem to notice - her eyes closing and she already slipping off to sleep. Fjord pulled his arm closer, cupping around her and holding her close.

Singing. He could do that.

_ As I was goin' over _

_ The Stormcrest Mountains _

_ Met with Captain Farrell _

_ And his money, he was countin' _

* * *

Caduceus, Caleb and Beau all returned to the Xhorhaus around lunch time. Jester was sitting with Nott, Yasha and Fjord sharing the pot of tea in the kitchen.

Yasha had found Fjord dead asleep, wrapped around Nott, snoring away. Fjord bought her a turkey leg as thank for not saying anything. (Or waking them up.)

Suddenly, there was the clatter of footsteps. Beau stomped into the kitchen and snatched at the tea kettle. FInding it nearly empty, it was only Caduceus’s quick and quiet steps that stopped her from completely slamming it down on the counter.

“I take it Yussah didn’t have many answers?”

“Oh no, he had  _ all _ the answers. And he doesn’t want to share any of them, that short, golden-eyed, pointy-eyed - ”

“Hey now.” Fjord interrupted.

Caleb, heavy-footed and dragging behind, came in last. “Everybody wants something.”

Caduceus began a new pot of tea. Yasha steered Beau, all tension and shaking fury, to the table to drink it.

“No talk right now. We only woke up a few hours ago, so we need breakfast. I’ll get dinner ready.” Caduceus pulled pots down and began a stew. Fjord called Jester down to help him (and to sit with Nott a little longer.)

They’d all joined together for a breakfast/dinner hodgepodge in the War Room, where Caleb told them what they’d found at Yussah’s tower.

“Yussah knows of a spell that can help Nott. But before he will cast it, he needs compensation, of sorts.”

Beau palmed her fist,breathing heavily.

“Can we afford it? I mean, this spell sounds really heavy, if it’s been so secretive. I know we’re not exactly hurting for gold right now, but…”

“Oh he doesn’t want gold.” Caleb blinked, as if realizing he hadn’t mentioned that part before. “He said, uh...there are, bandits. Of sorts. Magicians, spreading about badly enchanted items. There have been victims all over the city - ”

“And just like everybody else, he wants us to do the grunt work.” Beau bent her teaspoon in half.

“But, but he will do it? He will, turn Nott back?” Jester’s claws tapped quickly on the table.

Caleb, bags under his eyes, hunched over himself like he carried a heavy weight, gave a Jester a tired smile. And one she actually thought he found some relief in it. “He says he will.”

“Then...then, we should do it! We  _ will _ do it.” Jester shot up. “If he says he can help Nott, then we should help him, any way we can.”

“If they’re castors...do you think you guys can take care of it? Or, are we all going to go?” Fjord paced about the room.

Caleb was the only one who could send them to Nicodranas quickly. He’d be the one to match the magicians and their tricks.

Jester knew Nicodranas like the back of her hand. And the Traverler’s influence could be the only thing that could out-fox the culprits.

Yasha’s strength would subdue them. Beau’s knuckles making sure they couldn’t get away.

Caduceus could heal them.

And Fjord would be there for all the weird happenings in between.

Jester deflated a little bit. Her fiery assurance shifted into wide-eyed shock. “If we all go...who will look after Nott?”

“Nobody will look after Nott.”

Their heads all turned on a swivel. Through the doors of the Happy Room, sliding her arms into her coat, in a dress two sizes too big for her little bones, was Nott.

“I’m going with you.”

“Nott…” Caleb shot up, crossing the room quickly to kneel at Nott’s side.

“You know my room’s just on the other side, right?” Nott smirked, giving just a glimpse of blood-stained teeth.

“Nott, you should be resting.” Jester, on her other side.

Nott patted Jester on the shoulder. “Seems all I ever do now - sleep and choke.” The heavy silence upon the Mighty Nein made Nott laugh, weakly and without any mirth. “And apparently, lose my great sense of humor.”

“Look, if fighting some...magic people, is all that’s standing in the way of getting turned back into a halfling, then I’m gonna be a part of it. And when it’s all over, I’m gonna need to be there. And you can’t go in planning to save your energy to get me and come back again. If I’m still around again.” Jester squeezed Nott’s hand tightly, tears in her eyes. “I became a goblin through a lot of kicking and fighting. I plan to go out the same way.”

Nott joined them for a tense dinner, and then afterwards went back to bed with Jester and Caleb wrapped around her like snakes. Yasha watched from the doorway, unwilling to go very far.

Fjord went out and got properly sloshed. Not for any particularly noble reason,but so that when the flower shoving itself up finally came loose, nobody questioned the drunk man behind the bar.

A sunflower. A bright beacon, found in a sea of green.

* * *

When fighting against magic-users, in between the spell slinging and the charm effects and the counter-spells - 

“Nott!”

Nobody thinks about a knife.

There were four of them - fresh-faced and trouble in the eyes. Nott had been far away from the thick of it, hugging the cliffside as they fought on the beach. A crackle of purple energy encased one of them and suddenly, she was on top of Nott and a dagger was in Nott’s belly.

Fjord sent a wave of power to the woman, knocking her over as he ran to Nott. He skidded to his knees just in time to catch Nott as she fell forward. In one swift move, he picked Nott up and slashed down into the woman’s chest. He didn’t look at the blood or the corpse - just booked it for the nearest sanctuary.

“I’ve got her!” He yelled. “Give them hell!”

“Aaaah!” Jester screamed. Shards of ice, sharp as daggers, rained down on the man between her and Caleb.

Fjord laid Nott down gently as he could behind some rocks big enough to shelter them, and damn anything that tried to test it. He fished in the bag of holding for a health potion. He felt a small hand, covered in sand and dirt, hold onto his.

“It’s fine, Fjord.” Nott winced, pressing down on the gut wound. “We all knew this was gonna be the last one for me.” She gestured out past the rock. “Should have known - fighting next to the ocean and everything. Told ya - it’ll kill ya.” Fjord tried so, so gods be damned hard not to look at the red on that hand.

He pulled out the healing potion and pressed it into Nott’s hand, covering it with both of his. “No. No - this isn’t the end. Nott. You’re gonna heal up and we’ll deal with these amateurs,” that made Nott laugh and Fjord ignored the red coming out of her mouth. (So much red. It wasn’t her color. She might hate him for it, but green suited her. Yellow and green. His sunflower.) “and you’ll surprise Yeza, back to a halfling and happily ever after.”

“Happily ever after…” Nott stared up at him, though her eyes were getting heavy. Fjord couldn’t believe it, but she put her hand, that bloody hand, up to his cheek. “Those always sounded nice.”

“Yeah…” Fjord covered that hand. “Let’s try one out, huh?” He pressed the healing potion closer.

Nott quirked her eyebrow, then closed her eyes.

“Nott?” Fjord squeezed her hands.

The one at her cheek went limp.

“Nott.” Fjord bent over her even closer. He scooped her close to his chest. “Nott,no - you can’t go. Caleb...Caleb’s not here. You can’t leave him without...And Jester, she’ll never forgive herself...Nott…”

Tears, flowers, regret, guilt - it all piled up in his throat. Fjord bit his lip and let his tusks draw blood until the words came back to him. “Please don’t go, Nott.”

_ Tears, regret, longing...flowers _

“I never got to tell you...I know you wouldn’t want it, I know I’m not the one you want - I know, I know. But...I love you, Nott. I’ve loved you ever since we went up into those mountains. I’ve loved you before then, y’know.” Fjord reached into the bag of holding and pulled out the sunflower blossom from just the night before. “This flower...I made this flower, just for you. Flowers that had been filling up my chest same as yours. I may not be what you wanted, but you...you’re my far away light, guiding me back. And so,” Fjord sniffled, wiping away a few tears so that others could take their place, “So you can’t leave, not yet. You can’t just...leave me here in the darkness, Nott.”

Fjord wrapped Nott’s hands around the small stem of the sunflower, shaking as he held on. “Please.”

The sounds of the battle behind him melded with the sounds of the ocean, white noise Fjord couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to. Nott laid still, in his arms.

“Nott...I love you.”

It happened all at once. Fjord’s neck ached from the whiplash of knocking back from Nott’s sudden convulsion. A coughing fit racked, the most violent Fjord had seen. That dry sucking sound of air trapped in her throat combined with the wet hacking as she tried to force the flower out. Fjord didn’t know what to think - sorrow that Nott’s last moments would be spent in pain, retching out her lungs, or thankful that she wasn’t gone yet.

With one last heave, the flower came out.

A sunflower.

“Nott…”

Nott sucked in air, knocking her head back against the sand. She smiled, truly and truly up at Fjord. “Hey, sailor.”

“You were in love with  _ me _ ?”

“Now you see why I couldn’t tell you.”

Fjord’s brain went into overdrive so hard, it whited out completely. He couldn’t think - he could only act. He pulled Nott in close, cradling her head just an inch away from him. “You should’ve! Gods, Nott - why  _ didn’t _ you?! Going through all that pain - why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Nott coughed, catching her breath and nothing more. “I was always matching you up with Jester. Who in their right mind would go from a beautiful girl like her for someone like me?”

Fjord shook his head, smiling and crying and not caring to change either. Fjord pulled Nott forward and kissed her on the forehead. When he pulled back, he stared into Nott’s big cat-like eyes. “Who would choose the dumb-ass sailor half-orc over a genius wizard and a gentle firbolg?”

“Two big dumb idiots.” Nott laughed along with him, hysterical and neither caring.

“Now will you drink that health potion, you idiot?”

“Don’t tell me what to do, idiot.”

It was a good thing they were already in Nicodranas. There was a Talk they needed to have with Yeza.


End file.
